Monday, March 31, 2014

The Miracle of Life

I am pregnant with my second child and could not be happier!

I am at the point in this pregnancy that I'm beginning to feel more energized, less sick, and really enjoying seeing my belly grow to accommodate our precious baby. I can't wait to do it all over again!

I didn't always feel this way though.

While the beginning of my pregnancy was extremely joyous (nothing beats seeing that positive test!), we were soon plagued with doubt; I had a "threatened miscarriage" and was told my pregnancy may not be viable.

This was heartbreaking, and the not knowing was very hard to take. I wanted to be happy about my pregnancy, but didn't want to get too attached if it wasn't going to have a happy ending.

A few weeks later, it was confirmed that everything was progressing normally, but by then, I was really struggling with early pregnancy symptoms and trying to keep up with an active toddler. We had also just moved into a new house, which I desperately wanted to organize and decorate, but just the thought of unpacking made me want to take a nap!

Even though our baby was growing, I was still in the early stages of pregnancy, and was still plagued with worry that something would go wrong.

Another emotion that I was not expecting crept up on me as well. It was guilt.

I felt guilty for being pregnant. I knew several others who, at the time, were trying to get pregnant and/or had suffered recent losses. I felt that I should be happier about my blessing and not having all of these doubts. I was also really suffering from my symptoms and trying not to complain, but my body just felt so weak; I was so weary.

And remembering others' losses brought back the very real fear that this baby might not stick around.

Then, one day, I stared at my ultrasound picture for a very long time.

Our perfect little grain of rice with a beating heart.

I began to wonder why I had been so focused on the negative, when clearly there was an amazing miracle taking place inside of me!

I still felt guilty, but knew that aside from praying for others and offering my support, there was little I could do. I accepted what I could not change.

Instead of feeling fearful, I decided to embrace life.

I couldn't un-know the statistics. Pregnancy loss, especially in the first trimester, was and is a very real concern.

But I chose not to focus on that.

I knew that no matter what the future held, I had life inside of me, and that was both a miracle and a blessing.

Thank you, fortune cookie!
Fear and worry were going to get me nowhere.

In only 6 short weeks, our baby has changed from a teeny tiny - but super cute! - blob with a beating heart to a fetus with arms, legs, fingers, toes, a brain, and a mouth that opens and closes, all of which we were able to see at our latest ultrasound.

Life really is a miracle.

I'm so thankful to have been blessed again, and will accept the both the perks and challenges that will surely come up along the way, all the while embracing the amazing life growing inside of me.

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